Escape Artists

I balance myself high up on a wire that i spun over the life that I just recently figured was full of fear. Desperately trying to hold onto the little breaths i keep inside my lungs while i took a stroll into the night everyone told me to become a part of.


Well, I am made of about 6 litres of blood, some bones, flesh and a brain, that keeps fighting with this heart that‘s still beating too fast for all the wrong reasons. My daily dosis of anti-depressants is high enough to keep my self-loathing in a cage, but too low to let me put a straight smile up on my face. My past keeps revisiting my thoughts, so my future becomes an unstable construct of high hopes and even higher falls. I am 50 percent self-proclaimed fear, 30 percent a „helpful friend“ and the rest of the time i keep telling myself that i‘m not good enough for anything or anyone.

But i‘m not alone in this, we are am army of escape artists in this world, yet we remain silent so no one blows our covers. We are black sheep, overseen by society, we keep our doors closed and our porcelain hearts locked in our chests. So even if you get to take a glimpse at it, it‘s just a matter of time until you realize that knowing us is a mistake.

Because we’re trapped inside this mindset that keeps us from staying somewhere for too long. So give us love and affections and we tell cupid to shut up and stop wasting his arrows on something we are not ready for, never were, and probably never will. We put on armors of past mistakes as if we need reasons to hide ourselves.

We compose thank you letters to past relationships in our nicest handwriting, thanking you for the time spent, for the countless hours you were just standing there, watching us fall apart – almost sacrificing the wholeness of our hearts. With golden and meaningful messages that read like loveletters from opur greatest fears. We would write that we tried to hold our little breaths, but we couldn’t – we were choking. There was no music, no talking, there was nothing to breathe anymore. And just now i remember all these moments where there was nothing but my voice and you. And i scarcely remember the outline of your head, your face has become blurry and i can’t quite make out what your voice sounded like.

But then my phone rang – it was you – and then i remembered, because your breathing is easily distinguishable from all the other noises these ears have ever heard, as i used to listen to it for way too many silent hours where we didn‘t speak a word. Just this call, where I grasped the few words i wish i would have heard of you.

„I miss you, please don‘t leave me, promise you won‘t leave me.“

But you never said them, so i never heard them. And then i woke up – not from a dream. No – i woke up from reality – but i couldn‘t cry for the sake of it. If there was ever a tear coming out of these eyes, i will dedicate them to you. They will carry your name. For as I am going to remember each and every minute we spent. Each one of them in vain.

And yes, I would‘ve said that I really really do miss you, too. I miss the feeling of being around you, i miss each and every broken thought that rooted in any of your words. And I miss feeling exchangable, i miss that i cared too much, i even miss being the fucked up wreck i was.Because after you, i just wasn‘t able to miss anything anymore.

But even if we would meet again: I know, I just know, know know that i would giggle like the little boy i always was when our eyes met. I‘d stutter in the tiniest of notes, in my most fragile tones, like you‘re the vacuum that sucks any confidence that left out of me. And i wonder if this ever ends, and i bend myself backwards thinking i don‘t think about you that much anymore. And I tell myself that i don‘t need you, i don‘t need you, don‘t need you, need you, need you.

But I do need you. I need you to tell me that there was never anything worth fighting for. I need you to tell me that it’s not my fault and that I actually was good enough THIS time. But most importantyl I need you to get a grip and finally leave me alone.

Because i may be an escape artist, i’m probably pretty good at being that. But i failed escaping you.

PiDioder Tutorial

Hey folks, i finally found all the old links and descriptions and images for this tutorial, will probably update it in the next few weeks (As of Feb 20th).


The Materials you need:

  • Voltmeter
  • Some cables
  • Soldering Gun (and accessories)

if you know how to use it, you should always try to measure the voltage between the mass/ground and the source you’re working on, i will add the voltages that are expected
in this tutorial.

the hardware part

Step 1

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open the box with a screwdriver, you can damage it, but i would strongly suggest you be careful – cause you might want to use it later on

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this is what the box looks like if you opened it without damaging it. you can easily pull out the circuit board now.

Step 2

now you should mount it on a stand or somewhere similar to have a solid working base that doesn’t move while you’re working. this is how the UNCHANGED circuit board looks like.

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now you need to disconnect the existing connections between the mosfets and the potentiometer wheel-thingy (help me out, what is this thing called?) (thanks to /u/CastleSeven for giving me the right name).


click on the image to view it in full size. on this i already cut the connections between the mosfets and the potentiometer. i’d recommend you to scratch off the first layer first to make the copper-connections visible and then disconnect them at the exact positions i marked on the image. otherwise you’ll have problems soldering your new wires on it.

Step 3

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now you need four wires (one for each channel and one for the mass), try to keep them the same length. it will help you in the end.

Step 4

voltages between the mass (blue cable on the bottom) and the connections before the mosfets (the three big black blocks) should be 0V right now. if it’s not zero, you need to scratch a bit more.


the mass wire! you need to solder one of your four wires to the blue wire on the bottom of the image (the one that has the description “-” on the circuit board). hint: paint the other end of the wire in some color so you know it’s the mass wire, it will come in handy.

you need to skin the ends of the new wires, whirl them up and solder them to the three points i marked with the numbers “1”, “2” and “3” – beware! the wires for point 2 and 3 should not touch each other!
the three numbers represent a color in the RGB color space, i’m not sure which mosfet is in charge of which color. if you figured it out (mine is already finished and i can’t access the board anymore) please let me know.

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this is what your board could/should look like after you’ve soldered all the wires and probably did some fixation of the wires.

Step 5

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i used a 26 pin socket connector to connect the wires to the corresponding pins of the gpio outs. take a look at the pinout scheme for the pi on this page:

for software reasons we need the following pins:

  • Ground (Mass), which should be connected to the mass wire
  • GPIO 4
  • GPIO 17
  • GPIO 18

i will explain what this is about in the software part of this tutorial.

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i used a Ferm CTM1010 to cut a hole in the case i got for the pi for the wires. simultaneously i widened the hole for the power cord on the original case of the circuit board. then i closed the whole thing with some bandage tape

Step 6

actually you should be done with the hardware part right now. to the software part!

the software part

we are going to make use of sarfatas pi-blaster library – which enables PWM (pulse wide modulation) on some GPIO pins. now you know why we used some specific pins. all credits belong to his awesome work!

Step 1

as i’m not going to tell you how to install an operating system on your pi we start by following the how to from the pi-blaster github page

Step 2

check if everything is working correctly by typing echo "0=1" > /dev/pi-blaster into a terminal. mark the color you see and then undo it by typing echo "0=0" > /dev/pi-blaster you will need the numbers of all three colors, so do the same with 1=1 and 2=1

Step 3

if every color works and you know the number of the color, clone my small go-pidioder project on github and run it (you need go for it to work). take a look at the main.go file and change the consts to the values you wrote down. start the server by typing go run main.go and wait for it to start. it simply starts a small webserver on port 1337. if you can open the website and click one of the buttons, you’re done! have fun!

help me help you

I’d love to make a video tutorial for the pidioder as well as update the information concerning newer versions of the IKEA Dioder and the piblaster library. but sadly i currently can’t afford anything (being a student seems to have its drawbacks i guess) – so if you’re interested in helping me create updated versions i’d kindly ask you to make a small donation 🙂

in action

this is just a small thing i hacked together to show some “random disco mode”.


big thanks to nemo for figuring out the technical stuff

feel free to contact me for any further information or if you think something is missing in the tutorial.