In Conclusion

Revisiting the past five years i’ve been living in a state of mind that only got me oh so down. I’ve never been truly happy, i’ve never felt free, i never had the opportunity to be who i wanted to be. Let’s say it like this: Things companies say and things you experience most likely happen to diverge. I’ve seen hardcore consulting, hardcore meaning you’ve got no life, no chance of freedom, especially no freedom of choice. Do whatever makes the billing people happy. Then you’ll eventually somehow get something in return. But if you leave early they just want to take another shit on you.

So, in conclusion: The past few years were heavy, i’ve been to places, i’ve seen some shit, i’ve endured some shit. The plusses are there, having been a mandatory part of a european research project is an experience i wouldn’t want to miss. Been across europe for meetings is another thing i’d recall happily. But you’re always part of something bigger, there’s always a wall in front of you that’s keeping you from seeing what’s really going on. And there are people that take you for granted. They take your knowledge for granted. Until you leave. Then suddenly everything falls apart.

But in this case nothing is actually falling apart.

I made my choices, i’ll skip the money. I’ll skip the life everyone foresees for someone. I want to skip being another brick. And as long as i’m disgusted with society and the “normal” life i’ll keep dreaming about making a difference. I’ll keep trying until i eventually succeed. And no matter how long the path may be, no matter how many deaths i need to die, no matter how much power i’ll lose on that path, physically or psychical, i’m going to endure, i’m going to channel the inner strength.

Because there’s nothing worse than being mediocre, another brick in the wall, another one on the list of people who didn’t try. I’ll skip on that.


Let’s do this

So, exactly one week ago i had the interview thingy with the profs from university. It all went very well and i seem to be “good” enough to start studying. But first i need to write a homework – they were kind enough to read my CV and one of the profs thought it was kind of awesome that i have some history with software testing, so he decided my homework should have something to do with software testing and he read about some old technique called “mutation testing”, which i’ve frankly never heard of before. And as i said that i neither like Java nor C#, they asked me what my language of choice would be. I said “go”.

They never heard of that as well. But that’s okay.

So i’m writing my homework with the topic “mutation testing in golang” – which is, to be perfectly honest, awesome! As of the time of this post i’m only halfway done. But i’ll try to publish the code as well as the homework itself when i’m done. We’ll see if that works.

So, apart from the stress coming from the homework i still work these days. But the bad thing is, that i don’t actually enjoy working anymore. Not at all. But don’t tell anymore, please!

As of now i’ll stop working full-time on August 1st and will only do the student work-times (which is 8 hours/week). And quite frankly i’m terribly looking forward to it. Also, other good news: I’m going to Scotland in September to do the West Highland Way tour, with my girlfriend. I AM looking forward to that. I need to have some purpose in life. Actually i talked about that with my girlfriend earlier today, after i saw a blind man smilingly walking past us.

I think it’s extraordinary when someone who has such a hard life, without seeing anything, smiles all the time. Someone who has no idea what the world looks like, someone who has no idea what he looks like, or anyone else. He was just happy.

Why can’t we? Why are we living our lives like we’re going to regret so many decisions in our death bed? I don’t want to be bitter, i don’t want to regret anything. I don’t want to think that i could have done more, enjoy living more. I wouldn’t ever want that. I want to live it to the fullest, do everything i want to do. Get every possible impression i could get, from everywhere. See everything, know more, and then even more. I know this may not be the healthiest way of living, but at least i can pretend to be happy. With all that experience and all the pictures in my head, i could still be happy. After all.

Can you, when you’re sitting in your office, all fucking day long? Do as you’re told? Live as society wants you to?


Warum der Deutsche an sich ein verdammter Idiot ist

Momentan gibt es hier in Bremen eine grosse Diskussion um den Kulturellen Mittelpunkt der Stadt und die Eigenheiten, die ein solcher nunmal mit sich bringt: Menschen, Laerm, Muell. Das sind nunmal Dinge, die nicht ausbleiben. Meiner Meinung nach hat die Stadt Bremen hier aber ein unfassbar gutes Haendchen, da in der Regel am naechsten Morgen von dem Muell nichts mehr zu sehen ist und die Strassen am Mittag mit tagaktivem Volk gefuellt sind.

Dennoch gibt es hier und da ein paar Menschen, die eben ihren Wohnsitz in so ein Ballungsgebiet legen und sich eben an der Kultur, an der Szene, den Clubs, den Kneipen und dem Spass stoeren. Hier kommen fast im Minutentakt neue Zeitungsberichte rein – ja, das deutsche Medium an sich ist auch ein verdammter Idiot, aber die Quelle ist hier nun einmal der Leidtragende selber, die allgemeine Kneipe. Als ich jedoch eben in einem Bericht auf einen neuen Absatz, der mit dem Viertel oder der Neustadt rein gar nichts zu tun hat, las, blieb mir die Spucke weg. Zitat:

Probleme mit Bänken vor einer Eisdiele

Negativer “Höhepunkt” der vergangenen Woche: Das Eislabor am Schwarzen Meer wurde abgemahnt und darf nach sieben Jahren seine bunten Sitzbänke nicht mehr vor den Laden auf den Gehweg stellen. Das stört angeblich einen Anwohner gegenüber. Damir vom Eislabor und sein Bruder entschuldigen sich für die fehlenden Bänke auf einem Schild außen am Haus. Auf dem stehen sonst die angebotenen Eissorten.

Da ich das Eislabor kenne (da mein Tattoowierer direkt gegenueber haust) und mir die Baenke nicht einmal AUFGEFALLEN sind, frage ich mich doch, was in den Koepfen dieser Leute vorgeht.

Es gibt doch eine ganz normale Regel im Leben: Umhuelle dich mit Menschen, die dir gut tun.. Leute, wenn euch bewusst ist, dass das Viertel laut ist, DANN ZIEHT DA VERDAMMTE SCHEISSE NOCH EINMAL NICHT HIN!

Ich ziehe doch auch nicht neben eine Polizeizentrale und stoere mich dann an den Sirenen. Was ist das fuer eine Logik? Ihr gaengelt hier Historie, ihr gaengelt hier Kultur, einen Stadtteil, der die Stadt fuer junge Leute – vorzugsweise Studenten – attraktiv macht. Die Uni Bremen geniesst einen Ausserordentlich guten Ruf in der gesamten Republik. Und eure narzisstische, ignorante, egoistische Art und Weise, mit der ihr dieses Gut zerstoeren und niedermachen wollt, ist ein Trauerbild auf das gesamte Land, auf unsere Bevoelkerung.

Aber damit passt ihr doch perfekt in diese Zeit: Ellenbogen raus, nach mir die Sintflut. Was interessieren mich die anderen? Kaputter geht es kaum, eine Schande. Und die guten Leuten verlassen das Land, weil sie in allem, was sie ausmachen koennte, eingeschraenkt werden.

Danke. Kackhaufen.


I want to be a coder again

There’s this one moment where every coder turns into a developer. Most likely it’s within the first year of working full-time for a company. You’re slowly turning into a architectually correct thinking developer who needs to plan out every single detail while working. While this is a good thing when you’re working for your company, it just kills you when trying to hack together some idea you’re having.

Before i did my training i just randomly put together some code and thought “this might work”, nowadays when i have an idea i think about how to properly align the modules and how to keep it scalable and fast enough to serve it to a userbase that’s not even existing. And as soon as i try to start planning shit, i just stop. It reminds me of work way too much.

I wonder how many probably great projects died too early because of these thoughts – and this time i’m thinking globally.

Currently i’m trying to regain my ability to not think big – but try to do at least something, without having all these enterprisy problems in my mind. Did you try to do this? How did you succeed? How did you get your mind off of a big picture?

I don’t want to “make the world a better place” – i just want to be able to get SHIT done, no matter what the result looks like.


Let’s get studying

The hardest parts were deciding that i want to skip getting more money and telling my cowokers and my boss that i’m going to stop working full-time. First of all you get used to the money (i won’t tell how much i’m making, sorry fellow colleagues) and to the fact that you’re able to buy a book for 60€ whenever you want to. Or other nifty, but useless things like new phones or new games for your PlayBox Wuu. Chosing my major was actually pretty easy: it’s IT all the way, so a B.Sc. was imminent.

The next thing i had to consider was the fact that i have no “Abitur” (which you need in germany to study at a university – we have the so called “Fachhochschule” which allows you to graduate with the same title but it’s far less theoretical, which is not what i wanted). Fortunately the University of Bremen allows you to do some “special allowance test” with the twist that you can’t just say “let me do this” – No.

You actually have to apply for it.

So i put together proof for all my working time, the training, my certificates, the schools – just EVERYTHING! Additionally the best thing i did was to ask my project coordinator (working in a FP7 european research project) to write a recommendation for me, i’m pretty sure this helps. Oh yeah: random disclamer – i’m not even allowed right now, i have yet to receive a response from university. But i’m sure that everything is going well. Now, back to the main part: the proof for everything. As i’m currently working full time i have no real chance to drive to the uni to turn in all the needed paper, which means i had to make authenticated copies, of everything. For 4€ per copy. 11 pages. Do the math.

Telling my boss about the changes i’m planning to make he reacted surprisingly positive. He completely supports me with that decision, extending my contract until end of august and after that giving me a part-time/student job. Perfect. I’ll stay part of the family and get to study. Also i’ll leave the C# world completely (and i’m not sure if i’d ever want to come back.) and stick to project work. In conclusion this means i’ll be able to keep my Notebook and i get to use Linux as my main system. Finally.

In the end all that matters is the motivation to change, to make dreams come true, to take the first step on my trip, the trip. Our trip.

The next update will come in some time and hopefully include the result of the application. It is now being reviewed by the comission. Keep your fingers crossed.


Closure In Moscow – Neoprene Byantine

Buy the shit out of this album. (No Affiliate Link.)


Welcome to the trip

Hi, i’m Kristof. I’m 26 years old and i’m going to study. After about 4 years of working in different environments and with various technologies i recently decided that i’m not completely fulfilled by what the economy has to offer me. So i’m passing on the money, on the vacation, on all the luxuries i can afford by working in IT (and yes, i’m actually making some money right now.). Now the usual reader would probably ask:

Why the hell would you want to study? Aren’t you too old?

Of course i won’t be the youngest student, of course i’ll be some kind of “the old guy” there. And why? Because i’m swimming at the surface of the whole IT world, the german training and the german economy (at least positions you’re able to get without a proper education [e.g., B.Sc.]) are not trying to let you go deeper. It’s all about business and fast, enterprisy solutions with a relatively small impact on anything. There might be people that are happy with this, people that like the knowledge they build up in their n years old experience in a small lake of technologic background. I don’t judge them, i just don’t understand them. What i do understand is the fact that they are not interested in technology from a personal, non-professional point of view.

So what do you expect?

My actual goal of the studying/leaving my full-time job behind is to gain knowledge. If there’s one thing i learned from working in the economy it’s that people are way too pleased way too easy. I want to be challenged, i want to go crazy over stuff i don’t understand. My goal is to stop doing stupid things over and over again (which you eventually end up while working) and learn something new every day. Even if it’s not associated to the stuff i want to do later on. I want more free time and support for the things i want to do.

In the end this is the start of a trip. And the goal is somewhere else, it’s not even part of this step. But studying is the beginning, and even the current goal will not be the final goal. If you’re interested in this trip, feel free to comment.


And it’s gone.

I decided to reset my blog due to some changes in my life and some new goals. I will take the next few days to write it all up.