What direction?

This one’s about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
He put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off

He said, “I’ve seen you here before
I know your name.
You could have your pick
Of pretty things.
You could have it all
Everything at once.
Everything you’ve seen,
Everything you’ll need,
Everything you’ve ever had in fantasies.”

“You’ve one life,
You’ve one life.
You’ve one life left to lead.”

I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
With a girl I’ve never seen
With golden skin
I jumped up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don’t think this is me
Is this just a dream
Or really happening?

What direction?
What direction?
I’m splitting up!
I’m splitting up!
This is my personal disaffection

What direction? What direction?
What direction now?

I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
My golden eyes were dead
And a thought passed through my head
A heart that is made of gold can’t really beat at all

I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold

What direction?
Death or action!
Life begins at the intersection.

I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With her night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
And what was once routine was now the perfect joy

You’ve one life
You’ve one life
One life left to lead



not for emma

Go find another lover;
To bring a- to string along!

With all your lies,
You’re still very lovable.


get your lives together

this is a shoutout to everyone who may be concerned:

get your FUCKING shit together. you’re individually thinking people, why don’t you act like it? why do you still think you live based off another human being? why don’t you just fucking start doing something? you’re old enough. still, your room or your head is messy, you don’t do anything and YET YOU FUCKING COMPLAIN? shit fucking hell, as if you knew it since yesterday that you need something signed off. like you are surprised, you’ve got a brain, start fucking using it. start acting your age you complete fucking moron. i’m so fucking pissed right now i can’t even explain.

i have to make so many fucking compromises and you don’t fucking care about anything, you still go on like the whiny baby you are. fucking shit. get a grip, grow some balls and do something. holy shit.

a) i’m not waiting forever, you should already know that.
b) i’m not your maid, you fucking idiot. stop pretending to be smart and then show me how fucking dumbstruck you are.

HOLY SHIT.

[/rant]

now i can go on living my life. btw. this is not for you, mrs. spades – you’re generally somewhere else.


the world at large

guess all that’s left is memories of a time that could’ve been. i escaped. i’m off for something new, at least when it’s late june – until then? i’ll just float on.

so far i’ve got a few new ideas, guess my body will be a monument of “hey, it’s not that bad in the end” – and i love it! google for the modest mouse balloon – not sure where it will end. but… hihiih :)

oh this life is so full of surprises, i’m pretty excited about what’s to come next. friday actually is my first poetry slam and the organizer wants me to be the “face of the slam” with some interview-ish stuff, we’ll see how THAT works out :)


that was gothenburg

and the weekend after – hardcore stuff, guys!

talking about back-ache, random plane stories, awesome views, an evening or not in the white lion, some movie watching and chilling, some clothes washing and in the end i’m still not a single bit wiser ;)

still i’ve quite learned how to cope with it, the next few weeks will be full of stuff so the time until june will pass by in a second. it’s already mid april and my counter just passed 50 days. just one thing that i thought about is how bad it is that there are people that try to take so much credit for their looks that they’ll never see the beauty that lies inside of them. but gladly that’s not my problem.

btw. http://thefirenote.com/2014/04/03/modest-mouse-good-news-for-people-green/ – be fast, at least two are already gone! :)


first night out – welcome to sweden!

so, this was my first night out in sweden without wireless on my mobile. felt weird, because i always found myself looking on it to see if someone wrote… especially, you.

so, today i got up at 4am, which is an ungodly time! after some hours of walking and standing and waiting and flying and dying we finally landed in gothenburg at like 1230pm. then some listening to people talking about stuff, some talking about stuff, some resignation, some hints that the stuff i’m about to do would be fine for a dissertation (like the thing that you write if you want a phd… fuck me, right?)

after some very nice food and a few beer i can say that there must be more out there, i’m not bitter or anything but this was nothing more than a sausage party. but the more i look around the more i realize i only see one person in everyone here, or at least i want to see only that certain person. oh my god i wish i could get over it, just by the snap of a finger. but that might not be realistic anyway. well… shit.

tomorrow some hacking sessions will start and we even have a plan for the evening, let’s see how that turns out to be. now i’ll just listen to some music and let the evening fade out.


sweden calling

and this time i’ll leave my sorrows in germany, no wireless on my phone, just leave it off. leave everything behind, live life like it’s easy. gosh, now i’m looking forward to it :)


why would you

if we could, we would. if we wanted to, we could. stop living your fucking lives in subjunctives.

but… nevermind – i’ll just name her after you.


i realized something

it’s not about the things you do, it’s about the things you DON’T do. I am constantly, knowingly, pushing everyone i get to know aside just for the thought of being with you. all my friends tell me what kind of idiot i am, that i should fucking look around and see all these opportunities, but you know what? i don’t. i don’t want to. i want to live in this misery, i probably want to be unhappy. but in the end, there’s just you that i want. and i will keep on longing for it until you tell me to stop, until you let me know that in the end everyone was right and i’m an idiot for doing all these things. but i wouldn’t mind. because i did it for the right reasons.

now you should think about what you are not doing and if it’s really the right thing or whether you should change something. but as i said: until you tell me to stop.


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