Revisiting the past five years i’ve been living in a state of mind that only got me oh so down. I’ve never been truly happy, i’ve never felt free, i never had the opportunity to be who i wanted to be. Let’s say it like this: Things companies say and things you experience most likely happen to diverge. I’ve seen hardcore consulting, hardcore meaning you’ve got no life, no chance of freedom, especially no freedom of choice. Do whatever makes the billing people happy. Then you’ll eventually somehow get something in return. But if you leave early they just want to take another shit on you.
So, in conclusion: The past few years were heavy, i’ve been to places, i’ve seen some shit, i’ve endured some shit. The plusses are there, having been a mandatory part of a european research project is an experience i wouldn’t want to miss. Been across europe for meetings is another thing i’d recall happily. But you’re always part of something bigger, there’s always a wall in front of you that’s keeping you from seeing what’s really going on. And there are people that take you for granted. They take your knowledge for granted. Until you leave. Then suddenly everything falls apart.
But in this case nothing is actually falling apart.
I made my choices, i’ll skip the money. I’ll skip the life everyone foresees for someone. I want to skip being another brick. And as long as i’m disgusted with society and the “normal” life i’ll keep dreaming about making a difference. I’ll keep trying until i eventually succeed. And no matter how long the path may be, no matter how many deaths i need to die, no matter how much power i’ll lose on that path, physically or psychical, i’m going to endure, i’m going to channel the inner strength.
Because there’s nothing worse than being mediocre, another brick in the wall, another one on the list of people who didn’t try. I’ll skip on that.